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Showing posts with label Lolz. Show all posts
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How to Get a Job at Walmarts

wallmart

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.

They hired him because he was so funny…..

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company‘s President or Vice President. But seriously, what ever‘s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn‘t be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that‘s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I‘m worth.


MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:

It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:

Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30–3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:

Yes, but they‘re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:

If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM

LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:

Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:

I think the more appropriate question here would be ‘Do you have a car that runs?‘

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:

On the job-no! On my breaks-yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blond supermodel who thinks I‘m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I‘d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE:

7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF

YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:

Oh yes, absolutly.






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Why Sachin is Still Happily Married !

This Pic explains it all.... the secret behind Sachin's Happy Marriage..








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Top Ten Craziest Asian Pizza Crusts

Nothing gets the stomach juices flowing quite as well as a ring of shrimp with tails dangling in the air and heads swaddled in tubes of cheese-stuffed dough.

My idea of a pizza is rather basic: a flat round of dough covered in tomato sauce, dotted with mozzarella, and topped with a few basil leaves. But in the world of East Asian pizza chain pies, that would be some major weak-sauce pizza. Where are the shrimp, potato, and mayonnaise toppings? Where's the hot-dog-and-cheese-stuffed crust?

During my search for extreme Asian pizzas, I mostly noticed the range of unconventional crusts, ranging from those stuffed with hot dogs to crusts filled with sweet potato mousse. After the jump, check out my list of Top Ten Weird Asian Pizza Crusts, arranged from least weird to most bizarre.

1. Whole Shrimp Cheese Bite (Pizza Hut; Japan, South Korea)

For the pizza lover who also craves shrimp and cheese wrapped in dough, Pizza Hut has created the Whole Shrimp Cheese Bite. Because nothing gets the stomach juices flowing quite as well as a ring of shrimp with tails dangling in the air and heads swaddled in tubes of cheese-stuffed dough.

Website: pizzahut.co.kr/menu/R_pizza_tb.asp
The pizza in real life: gothambat on Flickr, Hannah Bae on Flickr.

2. Shrimp and Mayo Roll Crust (Pizza Hut, Japan)


Pizza Hut's Shrimp and Mayo Crust Roll is similar to its Whole Shrimp Cheese Bite except it uses shrimp nuggets instead of whole shrimp and is injected with mayonnaise instead of surrounded by gooey cheese. Think pigs in a blanket reimagined as cheese-oozing shrimp nubs in a blanket.

Website: pizzahut.jp/whatsnew/065_080107_gochisou/

3. German King: Sausage, Bacon and Cheese Crust (Pizza Hut, Japan)


Advertise Here

The crust of the German King is folded over every few inches to encase a ring of sausage atop a layer of bacon. Atop a layer of cheese. The result is a visually appealing pattern of alternating pink sausage and golden crust and a flavor symphony of processed meat, pork, and cheese in every bite.

Website: Mr. Wake

4. Triple Cheese Pizza (Domino's, South Korea)

"How do we get more cheese into our pizza?"

I imagine that someone had to ask that question to prompt the creation of the Triple Cheese Pizza, a stack of three thin crusts, each slathered with a different kind of cheese: cheddar for the bottom layer, Camembert for the middle layer, and emmental for the top layer.

Website: dominos.co.kr/menu/menu010201.jsp

5. Mizza: Rice Crust (Pizza Hut; Taiwan, South Korea)


Advertise Here

The Mizza is a healthy take on pizza that replaces the crust with a thick patty of rice. It's like a bowl of rice topped with stuff—except shaped differently.

Website: pizzahut.com.tw/English/menu/mizza.asp
More info: pinyin.info/news/2007/rice-pizza-mizza

6. Abalone Sauce Cheesy Lava Stuffed Crust Pizza (Pizza Hut, Hong Kong)

Admittedly it's not the crust on the Abalone Sauce Cheesy Lava Stuffed Crust Pizza that is so mindblowing but the whole package of seafood, abalone sauce, crayfish and crab roe dressing, chicken, and enoki mushrooms—along with the commercial below—that makes this pizza look like the ultimate symbol of today's cosmopolitan woman. ("She could be you!" Unless you're a man.) My favorite part is when the cheese—a combination of mozzarella, Parmesan, and cheddar—oozes out of the crust holes. I think that's how the pizza "breathes."

Website: pizzahut.com.hk/en/menu/dine_in/monthly.html

7. Shrimp Nude; Cream Cheese Mousse-Filled Crust (Mr. Pizza, Korea)


Advertise Here

The crust of the uniquely named Shrimp Nude is slightly concave to act as a moat of cream cheese mousse around the spicy Cajun shrimp–topped pizza.

Website: mrpizza.co.kr/GLOBAL/eng/products/premium.php
(Mr. Pizza is available in Los Angeles.)

8. Rich Gold; Sweet Potato Mousse-Filled Crust (Pizza Hut, South Korea)

Pizza Hut's Rich Gold looks similar to Mr. Pizza's Shrimp Nude but replaces the cream cheese mousse with sweet potato mousse. It's two carbs in every bite!

Website: pizzahut.co.kr/menu/R_pizza_rg.asp

9. Sausage Crust, Mochi Crust, and Cheddar Sauce Crust (Strawberry Cones, Japan)


Advertise Here


As part of its Spring Season Campaign, Strawberry Cones brings you three kinds of exciting crusts:

Mimi Kururin: Filled with "100% pork sausage."
Mocchi-mo: Made out of balls of mochi (glutinous rice paste).
Even the Crust Is Cheddar Sauce: Has a "sticky cheddar taste."

If the crusts aren't exciting enough for you, each pizza is divided into quadrants to bring you four kinds of topping combinations:

7-Variety Veggie Pizza: asparagus, corn, paprika, parsley, eggplant, zucchini, onions, pizza sauce
5-Variety Cheese Margherita: Camembert, Samsoe, Gouda, Steppen, Parmesan, fresh tomatoes, garlic, basil, parsley, pizza sauce
Milakoreno: hamburger, bologna sausage, fresh tomatoes, broccoli, onions, mayo, parsley, pizza sauce
Fluffy Prince and ChikichikiTeri: Charcoal fire-grilled chicken, egg, parsley, mayo, teriyaki sauce

Website: strawberrycones.com/campaign

10. Grand Prix: Cookie Crust Pizza Topped with Shrimp and Potato (Mr. Pizza, South Korea)

It doesn't contain shrimp. It doesn't ooze with cheese. It doesn't wrap around a log of meat. But Mr. Pizza's Grand Prix is my pick for the weirdest crust because ... it's made of cookie. A rather healthy sounding cookie that's sprinkled with sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, and raisins, although, according to Mr. Pizza, it "tastes like European soft cookies!" If this doesn't sound enticing enough, the pizza comes with blueberry dipping sauce to slather the crust in after you're done eating the noncrusty part (which is topped with shrimp and potato—fairly normal for an Asian pizza).





Rest Here with masala ad 3


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How to know Whether a Man is a Gentleman

Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman?
Carry out this simple yet effective test to find out.

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife or girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife or girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) 100 Dollars extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.



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Things To Do When You’re Bored

Things you can do with absolutely nothing

  • Push your eyes for interesting light show
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
    See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things-is your sub-conscience trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV?



  • See how long you can hold your breath
    (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes)
    Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible. My personal best is 2:00 (exactly).
  • Try to not think about polar bears
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)

  • This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.


  • Scratch yourself
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
    Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn’t that feel pretty good?
  • Hurt yourself
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
    What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There’s nothing physical about it - it’s all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.
  • Try to swallow your tongue
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
    There’s not much to say about this one. It is possible.
  • Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
    Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.
  • Get yourself as nauseated as possible
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
    Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can’t even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the “makes boredom seem a lot better” effect (see “Hurt Yourself”).

    Things you can do with very little effort


    • Advertise Here
  • See what’s in your neighbor’s trash
    (Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes)
    You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.
  • Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
    Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.
  • Call up people who write editorials you disagree with
    (Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes)
    I’m surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I’m pretty sure it doesn’t qualify as a prank phone call, too.
  • Make prank phone calls
    (Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes)
    Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don’t make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonalds, try to make reservations.
  • Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you
    (Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes)
    What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.
  • Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it’s a cliff
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
    To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don’t step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and…AHHHHHH!!!!!
  • Burn things with a magnifying glass
    (Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes)
    Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don’t like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.

    Things you can do with another person


    • Advertise Here
  • Have a water drinking contest

  • (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
    While the competition is fun, you probably won’t feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.


  • Stare at the back of someone’s head until they turn around
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
    This works on the “I have the feeling I’m being watched” principle. Conduct an experiment-does this really work?
  • Have a “Who is less competitive” competition
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
    Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.
  • Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view
    (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes)
    Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6″ to 2′ high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It’s never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

    • Advertise Here
  • Pull out a hair, stick in someone’s ear
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
    Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can’t blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.
  • Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person’s neck
    (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes)
    Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you’re not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.



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    Things you can do with another person

    Have a water drinking contest:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

    Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does this really work?



    Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

    Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
    (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

    Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:

    Advertise Here
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.

    Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.



    Bonus Read

    Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't:

    1. Bleed for a week and not die.
    2. Give milk without eating grass
    3. Bury an eight inch bone faster than any dog!

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    WhenYou Catch your Wife with Someone Else

    Mr Orange Catches his wife with Mr Banana.... becomes a Drunkard..








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    Top 5 Dumbest Online Business Ideas That Made It Big

    1. Doggles

    Create goggles for dogs and sell them online? Boy, this IS the dumbest idea for a business. How in the world did they manage to become millionaires and have shops all over the world with that one? Beyond me.

    2. Designer Diaper Bags

    Christie Rein was tired of carrying diapers around in a freezer bag. The 34-year-old mother of three found herself constantly stuffing diapers for her infant son into freezer bags to keep them from getting scrunched up in her purse. Rein wanted something that was compact, sleek and stylish, so in November 2004, she sat down with her husband, Marcus, who helped her design a custom diaper bag that's big enough to hold a travel pack of wipes and two to four diapers. With more than $180,000 in sales for 2005, Christie's company, Diapees & Wipees, has bags in 22 different styles, available online and in 120 boutiques across the globe for $14.99.

    3. Lucky Wishbone Co.

    Fake wishbones. Now, this stupid idea is just destined to flop. Who in the world needs FAKE PLASTIC wishbones? A lot of people, it turns out. Now producing 30,000 wishbones daily (they retail for 3 bucks a pop) Ken Ahroni, the company founder, expects 2006 sales to reach $1 million.

    4. PositivesDating.Com


    Advertise Here
    How would you like to go on a date with an HIV positive person? Paul Graves and Brandon Koechlin     thought that someone would, so they created a dating site for HIV positive folks last year. Projected 2006 sales are $110,000, and the two hope to have 50,000 members by their two-year mark.

    5. AntennaBalls

    You can’t sell antenna ball online. There is no way. And surely it wouldn’t make you rich. But this is exactly what Jason Wall did, and now he is now a millionaire.


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    Good Reaons To Be A Single Male

    - Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.

    - I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.

    - I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.

    - I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".


    - I'd be painting the town instead of the house.

    - When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.

    - I could show my girlfriend where I live.

    - I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.

    - The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.

    - I would have saved 372,416.21 dollars in groceries by now.

    - I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!

    - I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.

    - I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.

    - You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!

    - Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.

    - Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.

    - I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.

    - I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.

    - I could use my own name at hotels.

    - I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.

    - When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!"

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    Painful Divorce Letters

    Divorce letters (THIS IS GOOD)

    Dear Wife,
    I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
    leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for
    seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These
    last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
    tell me that you had quit your job today and that was
    the last straw.

    Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I
    had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal,
    and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later
    that night.

    You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes,
    and went straight to sleep after watching all of your
    soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you
    don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're
    cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the
    case,,,,I'm gone.

    Signed,

    Your EX-Husband

    P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are
    moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great
    life!


    Dear Ex-Husband,

    Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving
    your letter. It's true that you and I have been
    married for seven years, although a 'good man' is a
    far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so
    much because they drown out your constant whining and
    griping. It's just too bad it doesn't work.

    Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last
    week,,,and actually the first thing that came to my
    mind was "You look just like a girl",,, but my mother
    raised me not to say anything at all if you can't say
    anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal,
    you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER,
    because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

    I turned away from you when you had those new silk
    boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I
    prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister
    had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning
    and your silk boxers were $49.99...

    After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we
    could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit
    the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job
    and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got
    home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I
    guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you've
    always wanted.

    My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you
    won't get a dime from me. So take care.

    Signed:
    Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

    P.S . I don't know if I ever told you this but my
    sister 'Carla',,,was born Carl. I hope that's not a
    problem for you.

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    Bill Clinton in hell

    Clinton dies and he goes to hell. Satan meet him there and says, “Bill, we have to find a spot for you for all of Eternity.”

    So Satan takes Bill down a hall and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is Bill Gates being burned at the stake.

    “No,” Bill balks, “I can’t do that for all eternity.”

    “Fair enough,” replies Satan. Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second door. Inside is Rush Limbaugh being pulled apart on The Rack.

    “No,” Bill again balks. “I can’t do that for all of eternity either.”

    Satan takes Bill to the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex.

    Bill smiles. “Yes!” he shouts, “That’s for me.”

    Satan walks into the room, kicks Monica and shouts, “Get up Monica, and get out… Your replacement’s here.”

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    Horses Vs Husbands

    GOOD THINGS ABOUT HUSBANDS:

    1. Husbands are less expensive to shoe than horses.

    2. Feeding a husband doesn’t require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.

    3. A lame husband can still work.

    4. A husband with a bellyache doesn’t have to be walked.

    5. Husbands don’t try to scratch their heads on your back.

    6. They are better able to understand puns.

    7. If they are playing hard to catch, you *may* be able to run them down on foot.

    8. They know their name.

    9. They usually pay their own bills.

    10. They apologize when they step on your toes.

    11. No saddle fitting problems.

    12. They seldom refuse to get into the vehicle.

    13. They don’t panic - running and yelling all through the house when you leave them alone (unless you’ve left the kids with them too!).

    14. For a nominal fee, you can hire someone else to clip them.

    15. They don’t like the lady next door just as well as you, just because she fed him for 3 days straight.

    THE HORSE’S ADVANTAGE:

    1. If they don’t work out you can sell them.

    2. They don’t come complete with in-laws.

    3. You don’t have to worry about your children looking like them.

    4. You never have to iron their saddle pads.

    5. If you get too fat for one, you can shop for a bigger one.

    6. They smell good when they sweat.

    7. You can repair their “clothes” with duct tape.

    8. It’s possible to keep them from “jumping the fence”.

    9. You can force them to stay in good physical condition with a whip if necessary.

    10. They don’t want their turn at the computer.

    11. They may turn white with age, but never go bald.

    12. They have never heard of PMS.

    13. They learn to accept restraint.

    14. They don’t care what you look like as long as you have a carrot or an apple.

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    How not to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence

    A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

    The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

    Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

    The teacher said, "Well, that also was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

    Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

    Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."


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    Football Broadcasts That Sound Dirty

    * The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

    * He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

    * He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow!

    * It’s a game of inches.

    * That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.

    * When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding it.

    * He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.

    * He found his tight end.

    * End around!

    * He had to stretch to get it in!

    * He gets penetration into the backfield!

    * He blows them off (at the line)!

    * He bangs it in!

    * He could go all the way!

    * He gets it off just in time!

    * He goes deep!

    * He found a hole and slid through it!

    * He pounds it in!

    * He beats them off (the line)

    * He’s got great hands!


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    Cat in Heaven!

    One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

    The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

    The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

    A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?”

    The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.

    About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you are here?”

    The cat stretches and yawns and replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!”


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    Diffference between Heaven & Hell

    In Heaven:

    * The French cook the food.
    * The Swiss run the hotels.
    * The Germans fix the cars.
    * The Italians are the lovers.
    * The English are the police.

    In Hell:

    * The English cook the food.
    * The French run the hotels.
    * The Italians fix the cars.
    * The Swiss are the lovers.
    * The Germans are the police.


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    Two guys looking for their Wives!

    Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

    The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."

    The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

    The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

    The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

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    Haunted From The Grave

    An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

    "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

    They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

    He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

    The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

    The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

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    How to catch a lion

    Newton's Method:



    Let, the lion catch you.For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.Implies you caught lion.

    Einstein Method:

    Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.Now you can trap it easily.

    Software Engineer Method:

    Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

    Indian Police Method:

    Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .

    Rajnikanth Method :

    Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

    Jayalalitha Method:

    Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

    Manirathnam Method (director):

    Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted.Keep murmuring something in its ears.The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

    Karan Johar Method (director):

    Send a lioness into the forest.Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.But 2nd lioness loves both lions.Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

    Yash Chopra method (director):

    Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

    Govinda method:

    Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

    Menaka Gandhi method:

    Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

    George bush method:

    Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

    Rahul Dravid method:

    Ask the lion to bowl at u.U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run Lion tired and surrenders

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    Two blonde cowpokes

    Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian’s head under his arm.

    The barman shakes his hand and says, “I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children.” He then says, “If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I’ll give him one thousand dollars.”

    The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

    The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

    Suddenly, Jeff said, “Dave, take a look at this.” Dave replied, “Not now, I’m busy.”

    Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, “I really think you should look at this.”

    Dave said, “Look, you can see I’m busy. There’s a thousand dollars in my hand.”

    But Jeff was adamant. “Please, Dave, take a look at this.”

    So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.

    Dave just shook his head and said, “Oh . . . my . . . God . . .. we’re going to be millionaires!”


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