Miscellaneous Masala/Spicy Stuff

Live Large & In Charge

Sure, if salaries were countries, yours would be Liechtenstein, but who cares? That’s no excuse not to live way beyond your means. Follow these simple rules and we guarantee you’ll look like you’re living the playboy life—even though you’re just living a big, fat lie.


DRIVE A HOT CAR
To ooze money, power, respect and a raw sexual energy seldom seen outside of female coleslaw-wrestling competitions, you’ve got to have a hot ride. But that’s sorta tricky when you can’t afford the down payment on a Yugo. Or is it? Fear not—the tired, the poor, even the huddled masses can appear to rise above their meager existence by taking out badass cars for test drives. Unfortunately, if a salesman suspects that you have neither the ways nor the means to make a purchase, he can refuse you access, or worse, insist on coming with. Here are a few tips to ensure a solo NASCAR moment.


ANNOUNCE YOUR ARRIVAL
Or better yet, fake a British accent and pretend that your personal assistant is calling ahead to ensure that you are given the VIP treatment at the dealership. Always have said assistant specify which model car you are looking for (the most expensive imaginable) and tell them that you are “very sensitive to people making direct eye contact.” Watch with glee as salesmen scurry around to help you, desperately trying to avert your gaze.


DRESS LIKE AN INTERNET ZILLIONAIRE
Show up to the Lamborghini shop in a pair of flat-front khakis, an untucked Ralph Lauren shirt and Nike cross-trainers. Don’t make the mistake of wearing a Brooks Brothers suit (no one trusts Wall Street anymore), and avoid denim cutoffs with an industrial key chain. If you have a tattoo—say, of the rock group Anal Cunt—hide it.


SCAM THE SALESMAN
Let ’em know that you’re serious by engaging him in a potential buyer’s discussion. Good conversation topics include warranty information, interior space volume, color combinations and maintenance schedules. Some possible questions: “Will my golf clubs fit in the trunk?” and “How will the paint hold up to the salt air in Kennebunkport?” Do not ask him for a “marijuana stash compartment” in case the police pull you over.


IF ALL ELSE FAILS…
You can always just rent your own personal phatmobile and say that it’s yours. The best rates are usually found through nationwide companies such as Budget, Avis and Hertz Rental Car. Budget offers a three-day rental of an exquisite Jaguar XK8 convertible for $120 per day or $599 per week; you get 700 miles free on the week rental.


SKIP THE VELVET ROPE
Novice club crashers will generally lie and say they’re friends with the owner, or they’ll call and say they’re bringing five beautiful women (when they’re actually coming with 10 quantum physicists and a ferret named Sylvan, King of the Elves). So 1985. One prominent New York City events promoter relayed several more effective tricks.


SEND A PREPAID CHECK to the establishment, covering the price of admission. Attach a note requesting that the bouncer act like you’re getting in for free. (You could even tell him that you’ll be identifying yourself by screaming, “Waaazzuuuuup!” when you step out of your limo.)


IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE CRUDE ENOUGHto bribe the bouncer, please don’t be cheap. Your best bet is to use eye—catching currency—a few $20 bills are much better than spare change or, God forbid, a money order.


BACK—OR SIDE-DOOR bouncers are more likely to take bribes. Don’t, however, try to pay your way into the VIP room— the bouncers there have more to lose by letting chumps past the rope, and even if they can be bought, you don’t have that kind of money anyway.


DESIGN FAKE BUSINESS CARDS from cool magazines, talent agencies and publicity firms (you can get a set of 500 for about $60 at Kinko’s). It doesn’t really matter what you call your firm—just be sure to follow it with the words and Associates, Inc. or LLP.


GO OUT AND GET A JOBwith a cool magazine, talent agency or publicity firm (it’s really not that friggin’ hard).


EAT LIKE A LORD
So, Mr. Marquis of Salisbury—your shameless bravado has landed you a table for two at Chez Stadium, New York’s most prestigious French eatery. Don’t let your trailer-park roots give you away. Study this list—and watch how impressed Lady Gravy Train will be.


OYSTERS
Order them during the fall and winter months because they spawn over the summer and become soft and fatty. (Be sure to share this fact with your lady friend or bank manager.) Size matters: The smaller the oyster is, the younger and more tender it will be.


LOBSTER
Don’t rip it to shreds like that man-handed date of Seinfeld’s. First, twist the lobster’s claws from its body. Use a nutcracker to open each claw, removing the meat with a lobster fork. Next, break the tail away from the body, take off the little flaps and push through to get the meat out in one piece. Finally, twist off the legs with your hands and suck out the meat like you would soda through a crazy straw.


HORSE
Eat it whenever you see it on the menu. It tastes just like dog.


WINE
One fact to casually drop when looking at the wine list: California’s whites and zinfandels that are just hitting the market (’97 and ’98 ) are appalling, due to overcropping and a poor growing season. Order only ’98 pinot noirs instead, whether you like them or not (it was a great year for wine and shouldn’t cost you more than 25 bucks).

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