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Bunch of short jokes

Dream of a Necklace

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A Litre of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A Litre of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A can of coffee,
And one pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly. "


Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

What do you like most?

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."


A Guyanese lady pregnant with twins was in a car accident and went into a coma. During the coma she gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl. Some time later when she awoke from the coma, she was told that she had given birth and that her brother had been nice enough to name them. The mother was extremely upset to hear this. She told the nurse that they never should have let her brother name the children because he was an idiot from the country.

The nurse assured her that he had done rather well; he named the little girl "Denise". The mother seemed to be okay with that, so she asked what he had named her son.

The nurse replied, "Denephew".


Three mad men were up for evaluation by the head of the mental institution. To the first he asked “if I give you $1000, what would you do with it?” The first replied “doc, I gon buy a house, land, car, boat…” The doctor sent him back to his room concluding that he is still mad. The second mad man’s reply to the same question was “doc, I gon buy a wife, 12 children… He went back too. The identical question was asked to the third and his response: “doc, I would buy a new backside cause dis one gat a hole.”

A sweet-man's dilemma

A man got home at an unusual time one day and found his wife with another man. Though shocked, he calmly forced the ‘sweet-man’ downstairs in to the outside barn where he locked-off his penis in a bench grip/vice, threw away the key then left. He returned a few hours later approaching the man (who is still bound) with a knife in his hand. Realizing what the knife was for, the sweet-man started to beg “ow man, na cut it off. Please, meh beg yuh. Ah sorry. Ah na gun do it again. Please sorry for meh. Nah cut am off…” the man interrupted him and said “no no no, I ain’t going fuh chap off notin, dis knife is fuh yu, I goin an bun down the barn. Yuh eiddah stay and bun or cut an run.

Is that your dog?

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"


A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

In need!

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mother's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."

Over the next couple of months he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her room he saw a naked man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed and started stroking himself and began moaning, "Ohhhhh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Source: The World Wide Web! - Back to Homepage

Alcohol Problems and Solutions - Babes and Hunks of Orkut

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