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Dear Colleagues,

Due to current financial position, economic recession and probable future mergers, the management has decided to implement a scheme to put all employees over 25 years of age on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Persons selected for RAPE can apply to the management for the SHAFT (Special Help After Forced Termination) scheme.

The situation of the employees who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW (Scheme for Retired Early Workers) scheme. An employee may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice but may be SCREWED as many times as the management deems appropriate.

Employees who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants and Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earning for Retiring Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously employees who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED by the Management any further. Employees on SHAFT or SCREW will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

The management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives to its employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the notice of your Manager.

We have been trained to give you all the SHIT that you can handle.
Manager - Personnel & Administration USA.

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