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You Know You’re Having A Bad Day When

You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.

The little league puts you on waivers.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

The moths in your money belt starve to death.

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

Your wife starts charging you rent.

A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.

The department of biological warfare ask for your stew recipe.

Your children’s school calls to surrender.

You can’t afford to drive your new car.

It takes you three hours to make minute rice.

You’re so bored you play hide & seek alone.

The fortune teller charges you half price.

People give you the senior citizen discount and you’re only 37.

Your wife takes the dog on vacation and leaves you at the kennels.

You find a note on the table instead of supper.

Your wife tapes your picture to the dart board.

The bribes family throws rocks instead of rice.

Your wife is sitting on the stove holding a picket sign.

Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.

Your plants do better when you don’t talk to them.

The house is messy again before you can finish cleaning.

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels motorcyclists.

You’ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

You put both contacts in the same eye.

Your mother approves of the girl you are dating.

Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.

You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

Everyone loves your driver’s license picture.

You invite the peeping Tom in…and he says no.

The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

You call your wife and tell her that you’d like to eat out tonight and when you get home, you find a sandwich on the front porch.

You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night…and there aren’t any.

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You see a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office.

You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city.

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize you don’t have a waterbed.

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.

Your wife says, “Good morning, Bill” and your name is George.

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